37 weeks!

Praise The Lord for He is good. Make that awesome!

We turned 37 weeks yesterday baby boy! You are growing mightily well as we saw at Dr Kee’s yesterday. He measured you at 3.2kg to which both Daddy and Mummy exclaimed rather loudly that it was too much weight gain and impossible! And all three of us burst out laughing! I asked Dr Kee to redo the ultra sound another two times and once we saw your weight as 3kg, we said “okay that sounds just about right!”

Daddy and Mummy must be the only parents on earth who don’t want their kid to be heavy! I guess we want the best for you which means to be well and healthy. Your weight gain has been steady since week 30; 200g per week. You are doing well my champion!

And you listen to us too! Just like we told you a week ago to stay warm and cosy in Mummy’s oven while Daddy and l take this week to spend time together before Daddy begins his new job next Monday; you did it and we are so proud of you! We really are!

Mummy can’t help but keep thanking Jesus for choosing us to be your parents! We are so blessed so very blessed to be your parents!

Mummy has stopped the medication that was meant to help prevent premature labour two days ago. We first started by reducing the dosage two weeks ago and finally stopped on Wed. Mummy was nervous the last two weeks wondering if the reduced dosage would have any effect and I had to once again rely on The Word to remember that Jesus is my healer and that he didn’t bring me this far to be a worry wart. Perhaps worrying makes me feel like a better mummy?!

I love your movements now. So real so very real. And I have to tell myself that yes you are real. There is a baby in me. I am not dreaming.

You are very alert and responsive; you move everytime time we stroke or call you. For the first time, Daddy’s mum saw your movement and she was so excited. I have noticed that you hardly move whenever we are visiting her and once we leave her place, we see all your dance moves. So thank you baby boy for making your Grandma happy. She is eagerly looking forward to your arrival!

A few friends have checked in with us to find out if you have arrived and we are so blessed to be able to tell them that you are staying cozy for a while more. Jesus indeed gets all the glory in this pregnancy.

Daddy would like you to stay cozy and warm in Mummy’s oven for another week so that he gets to have his first week at work. Which sounds just about right as we will be 38 weeks next Thursday. We have always been praying for a full term pregnancy and thus looking forward to 21 Nov as your birthday. 21 also means a lot to us; we got married on 21 Sept and Mummy’s birthday is 21 Dec. As you have heard by now, we are singing a different tune now. Primarily because Mummy wants to deliver you with ease and we suspect at full term, you may be too big for Mummy. But we also want to see you already. Like really want to see you!

We have shifted all the things we need for our stay at Mummy’s parents’ home and our hospital bags are packed. Your Chinese name is also settled. I am just left with revising the breathing techniques. Daddy is insisting I do that next week while he is at work.

While we were shifting our necessities to my parents’ place, Mummy was overwhelmed. The reality of you and the change that is ahead of me felt so real. Nervous but excited. Mostly, Mummy feels very blessed to have been given the opportunity to be your mum.

A few weeks ago, during personal time, I came across this verse – God has blessed you above all women, and your child is blessed.

Indeed God has been gracious and full of love towards Mummy.

Keep cozy and warm Baby Boy.

Love,
Your number one fan – Mummy.

Keeping it private.

Strangely, the first person I texted was my second sister and we are not close. Subsequently I shared the happy news with my little sister. Till today, I wish she was the first person I had shared the news with! This was before we had seen the doc. Two weeks later, after the doc’s appointment, I informed an employer-to-be to make sure she was okay to work with a pregnant me.

Timmy and I then discussed when we would tell our folks and he decided he would tell the good news on Good Friday, 18 April. I didn’t know when and how I should tell my folks. Initially I felt a good time would be on my parents wedding anniversary but since we haven’t seen the doc by then, I decided l will tell when the opportunity presents itself.

I see my dad at grandma’s every Sunday and on one Sunday, he noticed that my grandma kept asking me if I was sick and why I was refusing dinner. When he drove us home that night, he asked if I was unwell and seen the doc. Timmy and I looked at each other and Tim told him the news. My dad was surprised and even clarified with me if what Timmy had just said was indeed true. He asked if my mum and grandma knew and I said no and told him not to tell anyone yet. But much later, I found out from my mum that dad had told her that very night.

I told my mum on my little sister’s birthday. I had seen the doc earlier that day and showed her the ultra sound images from that session. I shared the good news with my grandma on her birthday and she was so so glad and hugged and kissed me! By end May, the uncle and auntie whom I am close to were informed. My auntie even cooked a huge pot of chicken curry to celebrate the good news!

As for friends, Timmy and I didn’t discuss who and when we want to share the news with. As and when he shared with someone, he would tell me. For me, it didn’t occur to me to tell anyone. Perhaps I was busy with work and dealing with 1st trimester fatigue. But I suspect I felt it was not important or make any difference for anyone to know. Of course I was so happy and still am to know I am pregnant. I remember my heart would be and still is, so full of thanksgiving and I would and still tear at every church service reflecting on God’s faithfulness and goodness. And yes typically, people share good news with one another.

I guess I didn’t see how a friend knowing my happy news would make a difference to my pregnancy. Afterall, this is a journey I take with Timmy and God.

My stomach started growing and became obvious. And when I met friends casually for dinners, they saw the good news for themselves. Some asked why I didn’t tell earlier. Honestly I wanted to ask if it made a difference to them. But instead, I said its better to announce or in my case ‘show’ in person.

Our ex care-group leader and his wife asked a couple of times, to my annoyance, if we had shared the news with any of the members. We stopped going to the care-group end of last year and have occasionally met a few of them for meals this year. Perhaps we are not particularly close to any of them to share the news and pregnant belly wasn’t very obvious to do the honour itself. We recently met one of them for lunch and she was pleasantly surprised and I liked that she didn’t question or even ask why we didn’t share earlier. To me, I felt she was simply happy for us and nothing else mattered to her. Simple and genuine. Once, the care-group leader’s wife asked if she could share on our behalf. I was shocked at her suggestion and thanked her for her assistance but highlighted that it was only appropriate that we as parents-to-be share the news and we will as we are led to. I kept asking Timmy why we were being pressured to announce and he had no answer.

A while ago, an old school mate informed me that she had just given birth to her second child and not to be surprised by the news. But I was surprised not because I didn’t know earlier that she was pregnant. We haven’t been in touch for more than a year afterall. I was surprised at her good news as she didn’t seem keen in having another child when we used to meet up previously. And she started encouraging me to have my own kid so I decided I’ll let her know that I am pregnant.

I now remember I shared the news with two friends – Ashley and Sasi – via text. We were chatting about random stuff and then told them that I am pregnant. They were both happy and Sasi recently checked in with me to see how the baby and I were doing and to keep him informed once the bun is out.

As I write this, I sense I am somewhat digging deep; to know why I couldn’t care to tell anyone. I even turned down an invitation from a friend to hold a baby shower. Perhaps we have grown apart or rather we have become so busy with our lives and have no time for anything else that isn’t that important or on the same page as us. We have different purposes in life; it is no longer about exams or project deadlines or job interviews or who we are dating or our first home.

And honestly, I don’t know if motherhood/parenting will be that connecting link now. If relationships are based on topical or situational moments, or milestones, I don’t see the roots going deep.

A few weeks, on a rainy Saturday morning, Timmy and I sat at our void deck to enjoy the breeze. The rain was so refreshing after weeks of dry spell. I asked him about his 2015 wishes but he haven’t thought about it. For me, I told him, I want to wish for new friends; like minded and simple folks and preferably believers though I know not all believers can believe the same thing. I told him that perhaps we need a few good friends whom we can grow old with; walk alongside with Jesus in our midst. Sincere, open and happy folks who wish each other well. Roots that grow deep. I was quite surprised at what I was articulating to him that wet morning. I never thought this was of any importance to me as I was happy with who I was friends and acquaintances with and it never mattered if I didn’t meet anyone for months. There were also times when I don’t turn for gatherings as I didn’t feel like it.

I don’t know the reason for the sudden change. I can only conveniently blame it on the pregnancy hormones. Perhaps, I will sing a different tune when 2015 arrives. After all, who has time for friends when you have a baby.

36 weeks!

Today you are 36 weeks! Both you and l have 4 more alone and special weeks together before Mummy has to share you with everyone else. I’m so ready to see you but I hear the longer you remain in Mummy’s oven, the better it is for you. Mummy chatted with Jesus yesterday morning; thanking him for watching over us and keeping us safe. I also told him that as you are His gift to us, we will go with the date He has already picked as your birthday. Mummy has secretly selected 4 dates that I would like you to be born on and 2 of these dates have biblical meaning that are special. But I have come to know His timing is always perfect for us.

We are almost done with our preparation for your arrival. Your clothes are all washed and boy, do they smell heavenly! We have a few loose ends to tie up next week including transporting our belongings to my parents place and finalizing your Chinese name! Daddy and l are concerned that you may not respond to your name ‘Isaac’ as we always call you by your pet name ‘Bebe’ but we love it too much to stop using it.

We celebrated Deepavali yesterday and you entertained everyone especially my 2 young male cousins with your movements. It was hilarious to see their reactions.

Daddy has another week at home with us before he starts his new job in November. So Mummy is excited thinking of the week ahead. There are places we want to go and food we want to feast on so baby boy, you know what to do! Stay warm in the oven for another week!

Just days ago, Mummy got all emotional thinking of how l was going to miss being pregnant with you. Miss your kicks, stretches, turns and all. I am so going to miss you being inside of me. Even if I do have another child, it will not be the same. It is not you. You have a special place in my heart. My first born. My champion. My gift from god. My very own baby. It all feels like a dream and I tell myself that it is indeed a dream which became alive; thanks to Jesus. Jesus indeed gets all the glory for your birth as Mummy and Daddy didn’t rely on anything else but Him.

As I write this, you are busy moving and it’s past midnight. I wish I had special powers to look inside of me to see you. From time to time, I wonder how you look; who you take after and what’s your personality. Well, I have an entire lifetime to find out.

Daddy has been such a sweetheart the last two months; looking after mummy in every possible way. A week ago, because I was hungry at 6am,
he accompanied me for breakfast at our food centre and thereafter drove us out for McDonalds. Daddy loves us too much and I pray we will both always appreciate and respect him and never to take him for granted.

We are going to be a happy family baby boy! Just like how Jesus watched over Daddy and Mummy when we were dating and then the last 5 years of our marriage, He will continue to watch over us as a family of 3. His love will envelope us and His grace will empower us to live according to His ways.

Love you deep deep baby boy!

Counting my blessings.

Home alone today, left with my own thoughts and I could not help but think of how far I have come since the beginning of this pregnancy.

There are so many things I am thankful for and in the past few weeks, it has become important that I count my blessings each day. This act of thanksgiving keeps me sane and very aware of the reality of my blessings.

I’m so thankful:
– that I can sleep through most nights and only waking up once for the toilet on a few occasions

– that I have mastered sleeping on my left which is, apparently good for my blood circulation and for the baby

– that I haven’t constipated since that one nasty incident a couple of weeks ago that had me very miserable in the toilet for two hours

– that l have managed to get most of the baby things sorted out. I am so grateful for this as I feared Timmy will have to manage on his own or ask others for help if I didn’t get discharged from the hospital. I’m so thankful for this Lord. And the fact that everything was done at our own pace without any rush makes me even more grateful.

– that the chest of drawers we purchased for our baby is up. We bought this a few weeks ago and while I am usually not superstitious, I feared the old wives tales and forbade Timmy to fix it. He didn’t understand why and neither did I. The unexpected stay in the hospital and the premature labour scared me and the last thing I wanted was to take the risk. So when I told Timmy to go ahead and fix the chest, my heart leapt with joy. I am so thankful I chose faith over fear. Thank you Jesus.

– that I can wash my baby’s clothing next week. Oct was the month I had set aside to prepare for our baby’s arrival and one of the key things I was looking forward to do, the past three years, is to laundry all the clothes we have been buying for him all these years. Honestly, to have someone else do it for me would have disappointed me. I know I sound ridiculous. After all, l have an entire lifetime to do his laundry. But to do his first set of laundry means so much to me and I wished I knew why. So thank you Jesus for satisfying the desire of my heart.

– that I have had the chance to rest. An additional month of rest. The plan was to work till end Sept but the unexpected incident turned out to be a blessing. Each week, baby is getting bigger which means mummy’s energy is also dipping. To have worked through this may have been a nightmare.

– that we are in week 34 and 6 weeks to holding our champion in our arms and have him in our lives forever. To know we went from nothing to the first trimester smoothly and then to the second trimester and overcoming the preterm labour and now unto the final few weeks leaves me speechless. Indeed you are faithful to your word Jesus; you never leave nor forsake us.

– that I am walking with Jesus. I now know how much I need him in my life and how much He loves me.

– that I now know His word is alive and it’s powerful and it is the truth. Most importantly, His word comforts me, like no other.

I am so grateful. So thankful. I am so blessed.

Counting down.

We have reached 33 weeks. To many, it could be no big deal. But for us baby boy, it is a purely by grace we are here today, with you still in my womb. I know you feel the same way too.

Five weeks ago, on a Tuesday night, we found ourselves in the delivery ward. Mummy made my way to the A&E for what I thought was a minor discomfort caused by a fibroid. As we were almost 28 weeks pregnant then, the attending doctor suggested that I head up to the delivery ward where they will have the necessary equipment to check the cause of pain while they reach our gyne to check on his availability to attend to me.

Mummy honestly didn’t think much of all these till Dr Kee who happened to be at the hospital at the same time for delivery, came around to see me and told me that I was having contractions, five mins apart. Mummy was surprised as I didn’t feel any pain except at the location of the fibroid. Dr Kee had to do a cervix examination to make sure I was not dilated and praise Jesus, Mummy wasn’t. He proceeded to put me on medication to stop the contractions.

For the first time in Mummy’s life, a drip was inserted in my hand and I spent 8 nights in the hospital for observation.

The day I was discharged, 3 Sept, Mummy knew for herself that The Word; God’s Word is alive, it is true and it is mighty!

Mummy has been resting at home since then. I’m sure you knew this too as you would have felt your usually active Mummy hardly move the first few weeks.

It was very uncomfortable for Mummy initially; dealing with fear of premature labour and delivery as well as frustration of the unexpected and unnecessary situation I found myself in and the lost of my freedom. Mummy had to depend on Jesus and His word everyday. Daddy and I partook of the Holy Communion many times a day to remember that He is with us and will not forsake us. Nights were the hardest for me. I was worried something may happen and we will be helpess. When mornings came, I was so grateful. When Thursdays came, I did a victory dance as it meant you are a week older. When Oct came, Mummy was speechless.

We saw you at Dr Kee’s yesterday and you my beloved is doing mighty well. So we have seven more weeks to go, baby boy.

Just seven.

I pray these few weeks go slow and comfortable for us both.

Completely in love with you, baby boy.

I missed Sunday!

But thank god, this Monday, l have a chance to rest at home. What was a sore throat turned into flu, complete with nasty phlegm and an even nastier cough that hurts my stomach. I doubt you liked the cough and the weird noises Mummy had to make to get that green monster out of me.

And it all started with a pack of Lays sour cream potato chips Mummy devoured on Tuesday night with Daddy.

After five days, I succumbed to seeing Dr Koh yesterday morning and heard the dreaded word – antibiotics. Mummy’s not a fan of medicine and usually stays away as much as possible and it’s usually a success but now pregnant with you, I try to be wiser. I am feeling a lot better now as evident in the phlegm I spat this morning but damn the cough.

So on a Monday, Mummy is seated at her favorite corner. I have so much to write to you and I don’t even know where to start. Perhaps every time, something crosses my mind, I should write it down here but that just doesn’t seem like the purpose of this space.

Oh we celebrated my daddy’s 60th birthday on 7 Aug at a small cozy cafe and we were surprised when the staff came with a yummy slice of cheesecake. I had only told them about the birthday at the time of arrival so that they could keep the cake we brought in their fridge during our dinner.

So we headed to my grandma’s place after dinner to cut the actual birthday cake!

And two day ago on Sat, we had another dinner celebration with two of Grandpa’s siblings and his mum. Mummy’s grandma initiated this dinner to show her love for her son and she also felt that she may not be around to see another child of hers turn 60. She even bought gorgeous Indian outfits for both grandpa and grandma. And we had another cake!

What a 60th birthday celebration! Three cakes! Perhaps each to celebrate two decades of his life. I can’t wait for you to meet him; to know my daddy and what a wonderful man he is. On his birthday morning, I sent him a birthday text to wish him and to declare that The Lord will bless him with long satisfying life and that he will see you grow and become a man. And l will see this journey my daddy takes with you and be very glad.

Mummy is reminded of this verse > Isaiah 60:5 – Then I will look and be radiant, my heart will throb and swell with joy.

You have grown so much. Your movements are somewhat different compared to just a few weeks ago. Now, you respond to my touch and I can almost feel you. I gather your hearing is fully developed as you respond to your pet name. I sense you understand what I am telling you as well. A few nights ago, Mummy was going to fall asleep and you started to get active. But almost immediately, you slowed down when you heard us tell you that it’s bed time for us and to play in quiet.

With all that you have been the last twenty six weeks – my silent supporter when I was battling fatigue and work in the first trimester, my strong champion during a viral infection that saw me puking bags of vomit and my energizer bunny that allows me to do anything I want despite being pregnant – I love you baby boy.

Mummy will miss being pregnant with you. I hope the days ahead slow down for me to treasure and remember this journey. I doubt anything in life can come close to this. I can’t even articulate what it means to me other than in these mediocre word – magical.

I was reminding Daddy a few days ago that five years ago in 2009, we were preparing for our wedding and our home; all in 9 months. Fast forward to 2014, it feels like déjàvu. 2009 was purely by God’s grace. And nothing has changed in 2014; all by his Grace.

Love,
Mama

It’s Sunday!

Mummy is back at her favourite spot and listening to my favourite music. You listen to it every other night too if I didn’t have a long day at work and Mummy is hoping you will love it as much as I do.

Daddy is still in bed playing with his phone. I usually nag at him to wake up but the realization that he may not have much time to himself once you are here is real so he gets his me-time.

And I kind of like it that it’s just you and me at my favourite spot with soft music in the background.

The pillow on my stomach is moving thanks to your gentle kicks. You should be more than 24 weeks today; I will know the exact details when I visit Dr Kee tomorrow. It has been more than 3 weeks since we saw you and Mummy is hoping you will give me a nice view of your face. You seem to have grown quite a bit if I go by my belly. It feels like a dream to know I went from nothing to you.

Mummy never quite appreciated the fact that I’m a woman. I used to think how troublesome it was when I was much younger. The periods, the label of being the weaker sex, the need to look oneself, the roles of being a wife etc. I always felt man had it better. And I still do.

But today, I see a different light, thanks to you baby boy. If I am not a woman, I will not feel your moves and kicks. I will not be able caress my bulging belly and tell you how much I love you. I will not get to enjoy this unprecedented privilege of pregnancy and eventually motherhood. And I’ll not hear you call me mummy!

So today I sing a different song. Today I’m honored to be a woman. All the thoughts I previously had fails to measure up to the journey I am on and the journey that is ahead.

I can feel the excitement in my heart and ever so often, I catch myself smiling whenever I think of you in my arms. At yesterday’s prenatal class, they taught on breastfeeding and we had a doll baby to play with. How I wished it was you instead. “Soon soon” I told myself.

Mummy still needs these four more months to prepare so let’s not hurry all right darling.

Loving you more every single day, my baby boy.

Any other Sunday.

It was normal to think that it would be, any other Sunday. But 16 March wasn’t.

Mummy woke up to pee. Since my usually on-time period was a day late, I decided to prepare my sanitary pad. And oddly, mummy also decided to take out the pregnancy test kit daddy had bought for the previous month but didn’t get a chance to use as the period arrived just mins before daddy came home with the kit.

Mummy sat down on the toilet bowl, looked and there were no stains or spots. I must have contemplated if I should open up the pregnancy kit just in case it goes to waste. I must have also said a prayer. All these must have taken place at lightening speed otherwise the bladder would beat me to it.

Mummy must have felt pretty bold that Sunday morning for l tore that kit open and quickly glanced through the instructions. I must have done this at least four times in my entire life. But neither had much courage nor confidence to do so in the last three years; perhaps once or twice if l remember correctly.

So mummy did as the kit instructed and laid it to rest on the toilet counter. I watched the window on the kit as if it was the gate to my future. I kept comparing what I saw to the pictures on the kit, to make sure I interpreted the results correctly. Mummy wasn’t particularly an ace in experiments and science in school as you can guess.

I called for daddy; actually yelled for him. He, who was asleep throughout my experiment, joined me at our toilet counter. And together, we saw our future; in a tiny window on a nondescript pregnancy kit.

Predictably, dear daddy needed to check the instructions on the kit just to make sure mummy was accurate in the interpretation. Like hello!

We hugged and hugged and laughed and hugged more.

That Sunday afternoon, in church, my heart overflowing with joy, I praised Him. Though it was just the beginning of the journey, I could see Him with us all the way.

Many Sundays later, sitting at my favourite spot at home; where I can see the word ‘hope’ hanging carefully on the TV and the beautiful clouds through the living room windows; mummy is feeling so blessed.

So blessed that I took this journey with Jesus. So blessed that He gave me the strength to trust Him. So blessed that I believed in Him and that He was more than sufficient. So blessed that I stopped condemning myself for my past and for not trying hard enough for you; like other mummies. So blessed that Daddy never rushed me or us. So blessed that this took time; time that may seem too long for others and even to me, at times. So blessed that I didn’t give up on Jesus or me or my body. Just so blessed. And so blessed to have you.

Another 15 more Sundays before you join me at my favorite spot at home. Love you baby boy.

a Sunday morning.

I have tasked daddy to make breakfast so that I can lie in bed and watch you move in my belly. I see my belly somewhat shiver and move up and down. I wonder what you are doing in there, baby boy.

You are one active boy and mummy hasn’t quite figured out your schedule.
There are days where you are active all day long and then days, I hardly feel you till night comes.

I call you sometimes just to make sure you are okay and at times, you respond by moving and that makes me feel, so loved, by you. If I can add, you are a real champion for making your presence felt much sooner; at sixteen weeks or so.

Two days ago, we went for our 21st week gyne visit and Dr Kee showed us a 3D pic of you but it was distorted due to your activeness. You are doing mighty well; weighing almost 500g. The report from the fetal abnormality test was out and bless The Lord that He has made you wonderful and perfect.

We have less than 20 weeks to go before we meet for the first time. This is a date I am so looking forward to and I hope, you are too. Mummy will try to be as lady-like as possible and baby boy, pls be a gentleman.

I never knew I could like someone I have never met before. But boy, am l in love.

a different type of Monday.

The breeze from the fan is seducing me to sleep.
Praise music is whispering to me.
Story of a wonderful natural birth is putting hope in me.
His fluttery movements in my belly feels strangely magical.

I call out to him every now and then; to make sure he knows mummy is awake and just lazing on the bed.

I have had many Mondays in my life but none quite like this.