last days.

so yesterday morning i woke up to an email from my little sister. it was a youtube link that she sent together with a note on how she cried her eyes out. intrigued to find out what could make the tough girl cry, i quickly hopped over to the link to find out that it was this

i watched the first 5mins in my pjs and was going to sob when the reality of a work day set in. but the first 20mins of my work day was spent watching the entire video and finishing a pack of tissue. i also ended up watching the other videos of the same theme when i got home.

predictably, i started feeling really miserable to know that lives of nice and normal people are ending way too abruptly. all thanks to the big C. i questioned myself on how i will deal with it if i were in their position. i wondered if the big and painful C is that real and big that it could break families, make many cry and end precious lives so easily.

if this week is my last, what would i do?

i would look for my grandma on my 1st day, my dad on the 2nd day, mum on the 3rd, my second sister on the 4th day, precious little sister on the 5th day, timmy on my sixth day and keep the very last day to myself. i havent got a clue what i will do with my loved ones but perhaps just lay my heads on their laps and look into their eyes. just to feel that love and remember them as they remember me when i am gone.

as these pathetic scenes went through my head last night, i could not help but feel really sad though i knew it will be the arms of jesus that i will be running into when i leave what i have known and become attached to all this while.

fragile. delicate. life is.

like zach said in his video, keep life simple.

it is not about how little or how much we have, it is what we do with it.

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we won.

every now and then, ever so often, i think of 2012.

even though l have physically moved on, my heart doesn’t want to. it refuses. it wants to remember 2012. perhaps it wants to celebrate 2012.

2012 was a year where we thought we had it all planned out and that it will go according to our plans. but because we made decisions without enough thinking, there were consequences.

timmy left his job in april after much deliberation. he thought he will find something quickly after a month of rest or so. he thought wrong. his previous success in scoring jobs easily wasn’t going to repeat itself.

i thought work could be simple. arranging for others to travel for work, answering the phone, making sure that there was enough printing paper, coffee and toilet paper, ensuring the keys and the doors are labelled for convenience didnt make me happy. i thought i could live on lesser but having to dip into my little savings every month to make my own ends meet made it worse. it made me angry. very angry. actually, on my first day at work, last august, i knew it was game over. i could see the inevitable end. i tried my best though. but the more i tried, the harder i fell.

days passed. time flew. neither waited for us. december arrived. i was serving notice and timmy, still looking for a job. but we were both so glad the year was ending. we were excited about the new year. we desperately needed the new year to bring new possibilities, new opportunities. we needed the new year so bad. we were just so done with 2012 and couldn’t wait to move on. we didn’t know if 2013 is going to be any better but just the sound of a new year made our heart leap.

2013 has only just started to look the way we hoped it will for us. timmy has just started a 6 weeks assignment, exactly after a year of unemployment. sometime next month, he should be signing the contract for his full-time job. by july, he should be gainfully employed. i am back to the freelance gig; something that it is alot better for my sanity and purse.

it seems like it took us so long to get to where we were meant to be. what a waste of time it seems but it isn’t.

2012 was necessary for us. it was a year that tested our faith, the purpose for our lives and perhaps to an extent, our marriage. it was a year we grew just an inch taller. we learnt a little more about ourselves, each other and god.

jesus, if not for you, 2012 would have been painful. you wiped our tears, you soothed our pain, you walked in the wilderness with us and many a times, you carried us when we were heavy with doubts and disappointment. thank you for 2012. thank you for teaching and guiding us. thank you for humbling us. thank you for loving us. 2012 was an awesome journey because of you. we hope you see us just a little wiser; a little more patient; a little more adult-like.

but perhaps, just continue seeing us as two big kids needing you for the rest of the journey. we prefer to walk with our hands in yours. we have learnt that without you, we cannot.