heart ache.

I just saw the cutest little girl. She has the brightest and biggest eyes I have seen on a Chinese girl. She has the biggest and loveliest smile I have seen on a human. She has the darkest and shiniest hair I have wished for, many times. Her five little teeth so adorable. She kept reaching out for me who had sat opposite her grandma and her at the breakfast table. She has left but her smile lingers on.

And I felt pain in my heart. Tears are freely flowing down my cheeks as i write this. What for; i don’t know and i don’t really wish to know.

All that matters and all I need to know is this; all I desire is found in my Jesus.

what a gift!

awesome is his love.
faithful is his grace.
mighty is his work.
powerful is his name.

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For all that needs to be done today, he has done it. For all who needs to be encouraged and loved, he is the source.

Today is a gift from him. And gifts do not come with pain or sorrow.

The moments before opening the gift are exciting. The moments after, depends on the gift. But when you know who the gift-er is, you know the moments after will be joyful. And when the gift-er is a friend, or closer than a friend, or Jesus himself, you know the gift has to be the best.

Today shall be a day of his wisdom, patience, love and success.

C

I was blog surfing yesterday evening out of boredom. I quit Facebook, my only source of entertainment, gossip and whatever else. Just as I was ushering in the new year at my mum’s place, my little sister remembered me telling her that I was getting off FB in the new year and decided to do it for me. The funniest part of the whole process is you need to answer a question. Almost like an exit interview but a lot less fatal. The question is why are you are leaving Facebook? In much embarrassment I had to admit that I was spending too much time fb-ing. It was the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw at night. I suppose many are just as guilty but I wasn’t going to let it get the better of me. There is seriously tons of better things to do. But I am grateful to Facebook. It allowed me to share my thoughts, my pictures, share videos and encourage with psalms and proverbs. It was good fun but not a necessary fun.

So as I was blog surfing, I chanced upon a blog by an ex-breast cancer patient. And it intrigued me to read on because the word God appeared in the title. So I read her entire experience thus far in less than 3 hours. You can read her here – http://acleanbreast.wordpress.com

I admire her strength and courage in this journey. If it would be me, I may have given up. But like she said, woman are of a special spirit. The spirit that wants to live; not only for us but also for others. The fighting spirit.

Just as I was inspired by her testimonial, I was troubled. Greatly I should add. She saw her illness as something that perhaps happened with god’s knowing as she feels that nothing happens without Him knowing. And most importantly she knows He will make it all come together for her. Such is her strength and faith. And Jesus is faithful.

My trouble was I was confused. God is all knowing. He knows our past. He is excited about our present. He can’t wait to reveal our future. Most precious is we are fearfully and wonderfully made in our mothers womb. Would we then have sickness in our bones? Didn’t God see our lives before Him and therefore send his previous son to die for us so that we may live.

If I discover I have cancer or any other illness that is going to cause me pain and sorrow, what would that mean? What would it then say of Jesus and his sacrifice? He did something so precious that no one ever will and neither would I. Wouldn’t his sacrifice be in vain?

We live in a fallen world, thanks to Adam and Eve. So our flesh suffers the consequences of their actions. But Jesus came to save us. And because I believe this and because there are too many testimonials in the bible of His healing ministry, I just cannot accept illness and diseases or anything that is not of Jesus. Watch Passion and tell me if you will.

Just weeks ago, I felt that I needed to be confident. Not of myself but of Jesus love for me. I felt like I needed to be sure of what I want and not want. I needed to be confident of his love and faithfulness to me. It didn’t really make a lot of sense to me at that point of time until last Sunday.

I was sharing with my buddies at Sunday school that a old pimple scar had suddenly turned into a scab. And because it was brown, it was annoyingly obvious on my face. I ignored it for a while until one day something told me to decide if I wanted to live with it or be done with it. I really didn’t want to bother Jesus with a scab and so I went back and forth. And then I decided I was going to receive healing and restoration. I anointed it with my olive oil and prayed over it or rather cursed it to its roots. Because I matter to Jesus, the scab is no more.

As I shared this with my buddies, an encouraged one said she was going to try it on her age spots. But because Jesus works in miraculous ways, these words fell upon my ears – You received because you decided to receive healing. You made a decision. Even at this point of time, it didn’t come together for me.

Not until, I shared all this with Timmy over breakfast on Monday and as I heard myself speak, it all came together. Jesus has done all He possibly can and need to for me and that even included giving up his life. But until I’m confident and sure and certain of his love for me, I’ll always be in and out. I’ll waver and I’ll doubt. I’ll be like an insecure wife.

Timmy pointed me to his BB motto – SURE AND STEADFAST which was inspired by Hebrews 6:19 > We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf ….

Jesus, as sure as your walk on this earth 2000 years ago, as sure as your suffering, as sure as your humiliation, as sure as your pain and sorrow, as sure as your death, as sure as your resurrection, as sure as your sacrifice, teach me lord to be sure of your precious love for me. Let me not waver. Let me not doubt. Teach me, guide me.

When I opened Romans this morning, I did so with that confusion in my head. And I saw this > Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand. (Romans 14:4 ESV) and this > Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. (Romans 14:5 ESV)

I should not judge anyone’s revelation, their experiences or walk with Jesus. Each is beautiful and perfect in His eyes. Neither should I allow experiences of others determine my very own experiences with Jesus. Only his love will determine that. All that is needed it to be fully convinced of His sweet love for me.

And max lucado’s devotional for today is just for me!

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amen. amen.

So you breast cancer, you get a big fat C!

on the second day of new year…

it was about time for 2011’s calendar to come down. it was time to say again “thanks for being an awesome year and goodbye and I need to look forward to another 12 months of blessings!”

But when you have a calendar that has Jesus’s words on them, it is hard to throw it away. So they became this:

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and the best part is that they are on a part of our home which was set apart for our mustard seed! As I stepped back and looked at the wall, I felt in my heart that mustard seed will no longer be a wish this year. He shall be and HE will this year.

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just before i worked on the calendar, i was looking at the notes i took during service yesterday. i stared and stared and stared at Jeremiah 17:7-8 and committed them to memory and then suddenly i told Timmy that we should write our favorite bible verses on the wall. and so I have just started …

Big or small, little or much, strong or weak, old or young, Jesus is for us ALL.