Counting my blessings.

Home alone today, left with my own thoughts and I could not help but think of how far I have come since the beginning of this pregnancy.

There are so many things I am thankful for and in the past few weeks, it has become important that I count my blessings each day. This act of thanksgiving keeps me sane and very aware of the reality of my blessings.

I’m so thankful:
– that I can sleep through most nights and only waking up once for the toilet on a few occasions

– that I have mastered sleeping on my left which is, apparently good for my blood circulation and for the baby

– that I haven’t constipated since that one nasty incident a couple of weeks ago that had me very miserable in the toilet for two hours

– that l have managed to get most of the baby things sorted out. I am so grateful for this as I feared Timmy will have to manage on his own or ask others for help if I didn’t get discharged from the hospital. I’m so thankful for this Lord. And the fact that everything was done at our own pace without any rush makes me even more grateful.

– that the chest of drawers we purchased for our baby is up. We bought this a few weeks ago and while I am usually not superstitious, I feared the old wives tales and forbade Timmy to fix it. He didn’t understand why and neither did I. The unexpected stay in the hospital and the premature labour scared me and the last thing I wanted was to take the risk. So when I told Timmy to go ahead and fix the chest, my heart leapt with joy. I am so thankful I chose faith over fear. Thank you Jesus.

– that I can wash my baby’s clothing next week. Oct was the month I had set aside to prepare for our baby’s arrival and one of the key things I was looking forward to do, the past three years, is to laundry all the clothes we have been buying for him all these years. Honestly, to have someone else do it for me would have disappointed me. I know I sound ridiculous. After all, l have an entire lifetime to do his laundry. But to do his first set of laundry means so much to me and I wished I knew why. So thank you Jesus for satisfying the desire of my heart.

– that I have had the chance to rest. An additional month of rest. The plan was to work till end Sept but the unexpected incident turned out to be a blessing. Each week, baby is getting bigger which means mummy’s energy is also dipping. To have worked through this may have been a nightmare.

– that we are in week 34 and 6 weeks to holding our champion in our arms and have him in our lives forever. To know we went from nothing to the first trimester smoothly and then to the second trimester and overcoming the preterm labour and now unto the final few weeks leaves me speechless. Indeed you are faithful to your word Jesus; you never leave nor forsake us.

– that I am walking with Jesus. I now know how much I need him in my life and how much He loves me.

– that I now know His word is alive and it’s powerful and it is the truth. Most importantly, His word comforts me, like no other.

I am so grateful. So thankful. I am so blessed.

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Investments.

Out of the blue, a few nights ago, in bed, I told him that men have been my worst investment to date and this came from someone who has zero savings and investments of any sort; unless of course we count insurances as a form of investment.

I mumbled about how I spent my youth, my life, my energy, my time and perhaps even money on my ex- boyfriend only to break up after six years. He had the best of me and to be honest, the worst of me. I was young and temperamental. I was bursting with life and hard to keep up with. He saw me through my last year in polytechnic, cheered me as I graduated in Australia, hugged me when I got my first job and then retrenched, took care of me when I stayed at his place for three months during the airlines training program and so much more. Together, we had built a treasure of memories and experiences, almost ready to take the relationship to the next stage – marriage – when the balloon burst in my very own hands.

How could love hurt me? I was in a pathetic state for a few months before my new job got me really busy and the hurt started to, not hurt.

A year later, Timmy who was working at the same agency asked me out after we had shared some exchanges at a beer party. On the second anniversary of our relationship, we said WE DO.

Our relationship wasn’t all smooth, from the beginning. He was in another relationship while seeing me on the sides. I tried walking away but he needed time, he said, to tie up loose ends. Then his mum turned into a monster when she found out that he had proposed to me, a non-believer then. As with all weddings, we needed to find funds, find a church who would marry us, find a home and more funds and this and that. Timmy remained focused and patient. I wavered when the situation sometimes got ugly and unnecessary.

And we married, oh that miraculous day! I never imagined myself to be in a white wedding gown walking down the aisle of a church with my dad. But I did. A dream I never dreamt.

But that was just the wedding. Perhaps an event to some extent. But the reality is; it was just the beginning of what we call a marriage.

We are different; not just gender wise obviously. We came from different backgrounds and family settings. I doubt there is any similarity in us. We are different. And to an extent, that keeps us and our marriage alive.

I can point out many areas of improvement for him; one good example would be how he should always listen to me. And without batting his eyelid, he will have a list of areas I should really work hard on, for instance, patience.

Being the vocal one in the relationship, I’m pretty darn good at articulating weakness and mapping ways for improvement. He, the gracious one, listens only.

So on that sleepless night, I let it out – my investment in him, is not profitable. I wanted an audience with my fund manager, I told him.

He laughed. I giggled.

My best investment to date is Jesus, I heard myself say. I did nothing but have everything. To this, even my unprofitable investment agreed.

To God Be The Glory.

The Cross.

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The idea of wearing a cross has crossed my mind plenty of times but the perceived responsibility of doing so kept me away. No one would tell that I’m a Christian just by looking at me. But if i parade a cross across my chest, I’ll have to watch what I say and do and perhaps even what I wear, so I thought.

Weeks ago, I told Timmy that I would like a cross for Xmas. Then days later, I told him I would like a poster on marriage that we have both seen while shopping.

I forgot those conversations. And so he did, I thought.

When I woke up on my birthday morning, he handed me a blue box while we were still in bed and my heart skipped a beat. It has been a while since I received a present proper from him. I started giggling and so did he. I inspected the tiny blue box and realized that it was Tiffany’s and I giggled more; just like any other girl.

This is my first Tiffany’s. I have never been a sucker for brands and jewellery but I could not help but be so excited that I surprised myself.

I asked him if he was going to propose, again. He laughed.

I opened my 34th birthday present from my dearest to find the prettiest shiniest gift of all times! And I felt The Lord wink at me, once again.

I don’t have it all together. I’m still growing and learning. Yes there are times, my words and actions are inappropriate and unnecesary. There are times when I should just listen and not talk. Many times, my thoughts should not be articulated. Sometimes, I should not give in to peer pressure, especially in my thirties I should know certain things are not as cool as they look.

Timmy helped me to put on my gift, just like how he helped me to know Jesus.

Till this very moment, I can’t help but smile knowing that I’m wearing a cross. Do I feel the burden of wearing the cross? I haven’t. In fact, I feel so blessed and honored l can wear one.

I’m so excited about my 34th year! I’m thrilled about the year that is ahead of me and the plans The Lord has for me!

we won.

every now and then, ever so often, i think of 2012.

even though l have physically moved on, my heart doesn’t want to. it refuses. it wants to remember 2012. perhaps it wants to celebrate 2012.

2012 was a year where we thought we had it all planned out and that it will go according to our plans. but because we made decisions without enough thinking, there were consequences.

timmy left his job in april after much deliberation. he thought he will find something quickly after a month of rest or so. he thought wrong. his previous success in scoring jobs easily wasn’t going to repeat itself.

i thought work could be simple. arranging for others to travel for work, answering the phone, making sure that there was enough printing paper, coffee and toilet paper, ensuring the keys and the doors are labelled for convenience didnt make me happy. i thought i could live on lesser but having to dip into my little savings every month to make my own ends meet made it worse. it made me angry. very angry. actually, on my first day at work, last august, i knew it was game over. i could see the inevitable end. i tried my best though. but the more i tried, the harder i fell.

days passed. time flew. neither waited for us. december arrived. i was serving notice and timmy, still looking for a job. but we were both so glad the year was ending. we were excited about the new year. we desperately needed the new year to bring new possibilities, new opportunities. we needed the new year so bad. we were just so done with 2012 and couldn’t wait to move on. we didn’t know if 2013 is going to be any better but just the sound of a new year made our heart leap.

2013 has only just started to look the way we hoped it will for us. timmy has just started a 6 weeks assignment, exactly after a year of unemployment. sometime next month, he should be signing the contract for his full-time job. by july, he should be gainfully employed. i am back to the freelance gig; something that it is alot better for my sanity and purse.

it seems like it took us so long to get to where we were meant to be. what a waste of time it seems but it isn’t.

2012 was necessary for us. it was a year that tested our faith, the purpose for our lives and perhaps to an extent, our marriage. it was a year we grew just an inch taller. we learnt a little more about ourselves, each other and god.

jesus, if not for you, 2012 would have been painful. you wiped our tears, you soothed our pain, you walked in the wilderness with us and many a times, you carried us when we were heavy with doubts and disappointment. thank you for 2012. thank you for teaching and guiding us. thank you for humbling us. thank you for loving us. 2012 was an awesome journey because of you. we hope you see us just a little wiser; a little more patient; a little more adult-like.

but perhaps, just continue seeing us as two big kids needing you for the rest of the journey. we prefer to walk with our hands in yours. we have learnt that without you, we cannot.

a windy monday.

seeking led me to a lot of gold online and out of those, He reached out to me in these words and though there is no use for them now, i can’t let go.

The bread from heaven;

Was betrayed for silver.

The lamb that was slain

became the chief cornerstone.

The Great I AM

says He is

The Beginning and the End.

Perhaps He was only reaching out to me. Perhaps these are for my own pleasure. Perhaps He was saying ‘I LOVE YOU” when l was tripping last week.

All l know is l feel a lot lighter today. My tshirt feels loose, my jeans keeps dropping and my steps slower. And l am in love with the wind that is blowing at me; telling me to enjoy what He is doing.