the last week had me thinking and reflecting about the last two months and while i am all ready to let go of them and look into the year ahead,i feel it will be a waste if i don’t record it here.for i frequently visit my blog and read my posts over and over again.many times as bedtime stories.wordpress told me that i had 2700 views on my blog for 2010 and i know that i contributed to that stat alot.perhaps 2699 times.heh!
there is a vast difference in how i started twenty ten and how i ended it.alot of it has to do with my walk with jesus and how i have grown inside and perhaps outside too.heh.
the last two months i didn’t have any freelance assignments.purely my fault for i terminated one assignment half way and didn’t continue into november.there was another i came close to but had to reject it for it was ‘too close’ for comfort.yes i was worried how i will cope financially but i don’t like forcing myself to do things that will drain me in whichever way.so once again, i casted my cares onto my daddy god and asked him to teach me how to use what i had prudently and to stretch it as much as he could.while i had to start using my savings which aint a lot considering my age and how long i have worked,i realised it was worth every single penny.the two months of rest did me plenty of good.
besides doing the usual stuff of volunteering and spending time with loved ones,i spent a lot of time with jesus.listening to sermons,reading and listening/singing tons of praise songs.if not for HIM,i am pretty sure i would have hit rock bottom.it is very easy to feel condemned and worthless when you are not working and your bank balance is a minus.especially so when you know you didn’t have to be in this situation.especially in a season where everyone is eating and shopping.especially when your own birthday is around the corner and you are not exactly sure what you have accomplished in the year.
many tears were shed.many questions were asked.no one knew what i was going through.except HIM who knew me even before i was made in the belly of my mother.everyone thought i was fine and doing well with whatever i was doing.yes i was very fine and happy most of the times.but the lonely moments were mine alone.and no one could come into my zone and lift me up.only jesus could and HE did.everytime when i fell and could not even open my mouth to call out his name to rescue me from the feeling of condemnation and uselessness,the praise/worship songs that i have been singing will ring in my head and verses that i have read will flash across me.i knew that i was not alone and my pillow was not only drenched with my own tears but HIS too.these were my hiding moments.moments where i let it all show and my only audience is jesus.in these moments my strength was renewed.my spirit was refreshed.and i walked out better than i walked in.
i knew these were moments that perhaps i have to go through so that i have a better understanding of HIM and HIS love for me.i knew these moments were not brought upon by HIM but in these very moments,i felt his complete embrace and loveliness.in these moments,i understood what HE did two thousand years ago.and i knew HE did it all for me.all my mistakes HE took it upon HIM and was punished so that i didn’t have to be punished.he was condemned so that i will never be condemened.he became my curse so that i will be blessed.most importantly,HE came so that i can have life and have it more abundantly.
i realise that i have just began the next phase of my journey.my walk with HIM.like someone who said on her blog which i found by chance on new year day,it is time for me to wean off milk and eat solids.time for me to start eating spiritual solids.time for me to hold HIS hands and walk.though i know i can always become a child and have HIM carry me.heh.
i am terribly excited about this year.i told timmy a few days ago that i can’t wait to go back to work and remember all the things that i have experienced in the last two months.its this newfound understanding of HIS love and grace and joy that is causing this excitement.and i cant wait to see how i do and most importantly what i think and tell myself when a mountain is in front of me.besides work,another area that i am looking out for is my relationship with people.in the gospel of john,jesus says clearly that his only commandment is that we love one another just like how he loves us and through this,all will know that we are his disciples.how clever is my jesus!honestly,i don’t know how i can love everyone i know and will come to meet and be as graceful and kind like HIM.but i know through HIM,nothing is impossible.and i know HE will guide me.
November and December were my bestest months of last year.i was poor but so rich of HIS grace and love.i was jobless but not loveless.i learnt the most without any effort.with so much that i learnt and enjoyed in the last two months,only one other thing can come close to this experience: