a conversation.

me: bobo showered already!!!
he: okay good gal.
(now this part of the conversation is typical on the nights i shower.)

me: bobo good gal right??!!
he: yes bobo good gal.
me: so good gal deserves good things?
he: yes?
me: so bobo is good gal right?
he: yes?
me: so the 1919 is a good thing right!!???
he: that one not so good thing la.
me: huh?? can you define what is a good thing then??

(tv sound comes back!)

so me who thinks i am a good gal wants a good thing and nope i am not talking about a baby here! i am talking about this lovely 1919 black and white apartment which is launching soon!

its going to cost money that we don’t have. so all this good gal can do for now is to enjoy her 1119.

thankful.

just steps away from home, I wondered what I was thankful for today. as Timmy wasn’t with me like he usually is, I was left to converse with myself. I don’t think I had a chance to answer myself as I got to my door pretty quickly. then as I walked further into my home, I knew what I was thankful for.

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Timmy had put away the laundry! Only my lingerie was left hanging which is pretty okay as he wouldn’t know where to slot them in the wardrobe. And so was my helper’s clothes. He has done this one other time and it was on request so this was a nice and timely surprise that I am very thankful for!

I am one week away from finishing my 3 months assignment but I’m not done yet. I have been asked to help for another month and this got to be something to be thankful for but I can’t help but feel like I am done and am itching to get away. One of the accounts that I was tasked to work on is being wrapped up and the others have being quiet. So I have been involved in tenders which I am not liking at all. I feel like walking away but I don’t know how to and I should not as well. I’m sure there are plenty of things to learn in these pitching processes which I’m new to.

I have a Taipei holiday in 2 weeks time which is going to be very exciting because Timmy’s mum is coming along!

So I say I have many things to be thankful for!

I had lunch with an ex-colleague whom I got to know briefly last year. Her last few words before we parted was that His timing is always perfect. And I felt a peaceful peace in me as I waved her bye and went my way.

His way and timing is always perfect.

pre-timmy

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with my favourite traffic and media colleague!

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with chloe on my right and with agnes and poh on my left!

these were taken at my ex-agency’s D&D trip to Vietnam in 2007 and just got hold of them yesterday!

cant help but marvel at my slim and gorgeous face! what happened? timmy happened.

i am excited and feeling very blessed for the opportunity to go on the next company trip in a week’s time with the same agency. as a freelancer, there is no reason for me to enjoy such benefits but as a child of God, i am blessed.

i just need to remember all these blessings that come my way and not be like a spoilt child who seems to only care about one big lollipop. right from the start, i chose the way i want it to be and i am not going to change my mind or heart. i cant handle obsession.

oh and this morning while i was having my morning fix with jesus, as always, i thanked for his peace and joy which has been my mega-vitamin for a while now and the only one that works i must say with no harmful side-effects and suddenly a huge smile broke out inside of me. i told myself that i will call my daughter JOY! even before we got married, timmy and l chose Zoe for girl and Zachary for boy. now i need to think of the boy’s name. Isaac frequently visits me. I like the story on how he was conceived and especially the part where it says “And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.”

Joy and Isaac sounds so real to me now as i type this. i cant wait for the morning where i say “thank you jesus for the JOY who is in me!”

i dont understand how i went from talking about my awesome slim face to Joy and Isaac. i am not obsessed. maybe just slightly infatuated with the idea of having cute kids.

Psalm 91

14 Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. 15 He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. 16 With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.

Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see.

Once I had nothing. But now I have everything. I have YOU.

he can tempt me; he can distract me. But he cannot distract Him neither can he stop Him from fulfilling his promises.

I believed till I can’t stop believing. The more I believe, the more I want. The more I want, the more l will believe.

Day 13

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i remember singing this song during worship on a sunday, 22 April. i fell in love with the melody and the words. i felt hope and peace and i knew i could trust Him. i prayed that when month end comes, i will celebrate His faithfulness and that i will have a song of praise.

but there was neither a reason for celebration nor a song of praise.

yesterday was day 13 of a 30-day plan. i didn’t realize i was lagging that far back. i should have known since there were many nights where all i did was to watch tv and fall asleep. after an emotional fellowship with timmy at lunch which saw me uttering things that scared us both, i picked up my book to find strength and answers and to be loved. then i realized i was only at day 13; not even at midpoint. i couldn’t help but smile.

i found my answers in day 12’s reflection:

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things may not happen on my timetable. things may not happen the way i want them to. it hurts. it feels like i am lying to myself. it feels like i am believing and hoping for things that will never be. but i can’t seem to let go. how do you even begin to stop believing and trusting? believing and trusting Him has become part of who i am. to stop doing would be to stop being me.

timmy says it is okay to be frustrated and upset and to question. but this is not space i want to be in. i have come too far, i have experienced too many blessings to look away in frustration and disappointment.

a excerpt of an old sermon that i came across on sunday morning came to my mind yesterday and gave me strength. it encouraged me to continue fighting the fight of good faith. but as it says, it is a fight and at times, it may become difficult. and yesterday, it did for me.

the song performance during sunday service also came to my mind; to remind me to give thanks for all that i have. but i can’t help but look at what i don’t have.

it is a gorgeous song.

but this is my song:
my heart is overwhelmed and i cannot see
the future you have for me
neither can i hear your voice
i want to lift my arms but they are heavy

my eyes are clouded
my heart is heavy
my mind is cluttered

i look around for you
but i don’t see you
i look inside of me
and i can’t feel you

have you walked away from me?
have you given up on me?