I feel like I had enough. I feel like I had done more than I should have. I feel like I can’t give any more and that I should not. I feel I should protect myself and I should detach.
Sometimes, I just want to run and not care. I want to scream at you to grow up; not in size or age excuse me. But in character.
But then I’ll hear a whisper; assuring me I am not giving more than I have or can. And I can only whisper back “help me Jesus.”
Why are families the hardest to love and care?
Especially when it comes in the form of a 19 year old. Sometimes, I am pushed to my limits and I want to snap and bite. Surprisingly, the very limited patience I have would choose to work overdrive and hardly any words escape me. But there have been times, I have let it all out and felt really bad afterwards.
I remember being 19 and yes there were exams, projects, stress, friends, issues, acne and etc etc. Sorry my life wasn’t perfect if you imagined it was. Neither did I have a village to cheer me on; just a handful of school mates/friends to get through a damn lousy day. And the funny thing is, challenges don’t run away when you turn twenty or thirty or ninety. I know because I have visited 2.
I didn’t have an elder sister to love or encourage me; to pray or look out for me. And here is a big truth in case you didn’t know – our parents were the same in 2000 and now in 2014.
If you will indeed face the truth, everything is the same. The difference is you and I.
I learnt to encourage myself, lift myself up when I fall, be independent and responsible. If I want something, I work for it. I try my best not to act like the whole world was against me though at times it definitely felt so. Yes I cried too. Yes I know frustration. But so what, this is life. Just live it.
Because if you don’t start now, you will never do. And you would have missed life.
For a start, you can start being responsible and I’m not talking about your studies because that is a given. You owe it to yourself to do your best in school or else you will live out the consequences. I’m talking about respecting my time. Be responsible to turn up at the time and place we both agreed to. You don’t own my time. I make time and take the effort to meet you and honestly, I don’t need to do all these if you would just pause and think. But I chose to. Likewise, it is time you choose to be responsible because now, it stinks.
I have walked away from family members to protect myself and because I have felt they didn’t deserve me. I don’t wish to walk away from you but if I have to, just to protect my heart, I will. I have been 19 so I know how to be self centered and selfish.
Just so you know, I have tried to be the best sister I can be. I mean best and not perfect. I have tried to be someone I wish I had when I was 19. If you think I have failed, so be it. Thank your lucky stars that you will never know how it feels to be an elder sister.
I know you have been nice and sweet and I have told you so, far too often. And I have also told you things that need to be improved for your good. If you have to work harder, then just do it.
I spent my last seventy dollars on you today; just so that you know what causes the boils etc. And I didn’t even get seven seconds of appreciation; just like many other times. Lack of appreciation is something I can live with but irresponsibility I don’t wish to tolerate anymore.
Sometimes, I wish I had the heart to be indifferent; just like you are. Perhaps I can’t because I carried you when you were a few days old and saw you grow from a charming feisty toddler to a dreamy angsty sweet hardworking teen.
I walk away knowing I have done what I can. See if you can do the same.