my Jesus lives!

once upon a time, a long time ago, He saw me and He knew He had to sacrifice Himself. To save me from all the things that will happen to me.

with wounds on His body and blood dripping to the cold hard ground, He breathed His last knowing that He has saved and redeemed me.

His sacrifice was so perfect and divine that God brought Him back to life. His wounds are no more but His sacrifice will see me through, till end of time.

one day we will meet and I’ll fall to the ground to kiss His mercy feet. He will lift me up and hold my face. In His palms, I’ll see my name engraved.

I’ll look into the kind eyes which saw me from a long time ago. I’ll hear the heart that never stopped.

my Jesus lives.

amen.

a year since I quit career. a year since I started writing. a year based solely on His grace.

somewhere in between.

Just before morning greeted noon, I said hi to my lord.

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as I was preparing the holy communion, I felt myself getting nervous. think this may have been the first time. perhaps it was my thoughts at that moment that made me nervous. they were something along the lines of what was i going to pray, what was I going to tell my lord, what was it I was going to ask, what was it I wanted from him at that moment. I remember hearing myself say I want to pray powerful prayers. Never have I heard myself say that before. Never will I want to say that.

Prayers are prayers. They can be long or short. They can be said on the bus, in the toilet or even at the traffic lights. Conversations with god are prayers. So why would l want to pray powerful prayer? The one l am talking to is mighty and powerful. That is all l need.

So my thoughts made me nervous. I closed my eyes and saw Jesus on that cross. And I started talking. I thanked him. I acknowledged his blessings. I marvelled at his patience and his love. I declared him as my big god who does mighty things. I saw his fullness in my weakness. In his grace-filled name, I declared myself whole and well, strong and righteous.

Powerful prayer or not, I walked away powerful.

I wish I could say my alarm didn’t ring. But it did and I got up to switch it off. Timmy said there is always another day. With such comforting words, I slept till eleven this morning.

Perhaps an evening run should be my aim. Not a six thirty am run.

Thank you Jesus!

six thirty.

The alarm has been set at six thirty am. Outfit is prepared. Mind is all geared up; at least for now. I will know if the body is willing when the alarm rings in less than seven hours time.

It’s drizzling now. The coolness l am expecting to feel on my skin seven hours later is definitely encouraging.

The last time I did it was a year ago. And I fell sick two hours later.

I am not a big fan of running. Or jogging. Actually I hate it. I don’t know how people run on a daily basis. Some even wake up in the wee hours of the morning to do it.

I can’t remember how it feels to run. Been too long to remember.

I need some form of exercise. And right now, running around my place seems like the best option. Convenient, price-less and best part; it’s just me and me.

two thousand eleven.

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I’m not exactly sure why she bought me a diary as a Christmas present. In the world we are living in right now, not many will think about gifting a diary. I remember her saying as she handed Timmy and l our presents that much thought had gone into our gifts. When someone says that, you know for sure that the present somehow reflect you as a person or at least your lifestyle.

I must have opened it up with much anxiousness.

When I found out it was a diary, I didn’t know what to do with it. Keep it or bless someone else with it i.e. give my sister. But the pretty-ness of the book and that someone felt it had my name on it was hard to ignore. It went straight into my work bag without any specific purpose. Or at least I didn’t know it’s purpose.

The diary fast became my friend. I started using it daily to jot down bible verses, prayers and reflections. When I’m down or weary or even uninspired, I will whip it out and randomly turn to a page and something on that page will lift me up. That’s how mighty this diary has become.

There are another 6 more months of entries to be made and by dec, this present will become priceless.

It’s funny to have said 6 months ago that l didn’t know what to do with it. This diary made me eat my words.

So my dear Jac, thank you so much for blessing me with this diary! It will remain as my favorite gift!

Oh did l say 6 more months?! Saying time flies at this point is completely juvenile. At 32 years old, l am old enough to know TIME FLIES.

I entered into June nervous and with a slight hint of sadness. Based on our previous discussions, Timmy and l are to start making babies or at least a baby from June.

Two long weekends in the previous months saw us doing the deed twice, all in the name of ‘let’s see if we get lucky.’ And if l could trust my body and instincts, l thought we got lucky. Breathlessness, tiredness, craving for guava and sudden cramps all pointed to a baby. Did I ever mention how much I love google?

When my period didn’t come on its expected date (17/5) I thought of how l was going to tell my grandma that she was going to be a great-grandma! I imagined three of us in a picture and how lovely it will look on my wall that is waiting to be vandalized by my kid.

Even Timmy who didn’t believe my symptoms and instincts finally gave in when he scrutinized my stomach one day and said “BOBO having BEBE” when he saw some veins. I didn’t tell him that google didn’t say anything about veins = baby! Heh!

I am almost always on time. In the morning of 18/5, I was woken up by my period. I was a day late. As I sat on my toilet bowl that morning, l realized this baby thing may not be ABC after-all.

When l did my maiden pap smear last sept, I decided to get my ovaries and uterus checked at the same time. Though the doc didn’t ask or say anything alarming other than asking whether my periods come regularly and that I should start trying for baby, google explained my report – both ovaries while normal in size show multiple small follicles within them and this suggests a polycystic appearance of ovaries.

Is infertility something l will need to battle?

It doesn’t help that both Timmy and l are lazy when it comes to the bedroom. In our 21months of marriage, we have had sex about 10 times. We have both acknowledged that we are lazy and agreed that its okay not to have sex as we are not some horny teenagers. So what we do every night? We are on our iPhone or we cuddle to sleep!

I have been spying on motherhood forums regularly for the last 6 months and boy have I learnt a lot – when to have sex, what to do after etc etc. There are a lot of women who are serious about getting pregnant. And a number who loses it just 6 weeks later. Sometimes it gets depressing reading what these mum wannabes have to say and I ask myself from time to time if l am as ready and serious as they are.

Honestly, I don’t know. And a huge part of me doesn’t want to be this serious. Because that will mean keeping an eye on my body temperature and when I’m ovulating, avoiding some food and piling up on others. And most importantly, having sex on a regular basis! How are two lazy people going to do this?

While sitting on my toilet bowl on 18/5, I told myself that in HIS perfect timing, l will bear fruit. Just like Sarah, l too will have my very own Isaac. There is no one barren in the bible so I will not let my medical report dictate my future. If Daddy God gave up his one and only son for me, will He not give me my own?

I have taken the easy way out. I’m trusting my lord. I know it’s a lot easier to trust HIM than my ovaries and two lazy people.

one forty.

it’s 1.40am and his snores is keeping me awake. but I’m happy it is his snores and not pain that is keeping me awake. all I want now is complete healing for us both. his birthday is five days away and a feast is a must and a weak stomach ain’t gonna be nice. rest in my finished work says my faithful lord who has watched over us the last three nights. amen is all I need to say for trusting my flesh should not be my case.