love hate.

I hate waiting for the bus. The waiting makes the entire affair longer than it really is. So trains are my to go and I’m glad I live very near to one.

From time to time, however, I have to wait for the bus to bring me to places that the train cannot.

And I love bus rides. I love looking out of the window and watch the world go by. I love sitting at the back of the bus; mostly lost in my own world and sometimes, in others. I love that bus rides give me a legitimate reason to be still and lazy. I love that on the bus, I can dream, with my eyes open.

I am with Timmy and our kids. We are walking to the school to drop off our eldest. We go to my favorite coffeeshop for our morning breakfast of kaya toast and soft boiled eggs. Tim drinks his coffee and me, tea. Our youngest, a few months old, watches us. We walk Timmy to the car. We kiss and hug. Sometimes, I push the pram to the market or the library or perhaps to the mall; all depends on the bus I am on. My hair is flying in the wind and so are her hands; waving at nobody and nothing in particular. We seem to be flowing to the same rhythm, in love with the present.

I don’t know what I’m telling Tim at breakfast. Neither can I hear what he told our son at the school gate. There are no words in this life, I live on the bus. From the scenes alone, I sense an immense joy and peace.

Many times, I feel warm as I go from one scene to another. They flow magically well and seems real. And I can’t help but smile at a life that is not yet.

Suddenly, reality will jolt me. I will squeeze Timmy’s arm if he is with me or I will look up to the sky and smile.

I love hate the bus.

what is the alternative?

someone asked me recently how has freelancing being? is it good? is it better than working full time?

it made me reflect on my journey thus far as i did my best to paint an accurate picture. i didn’t want to glorify it lest she decides based on my experience. because truth be told, there are downsides to this type of work – not being able to see things from start to end, lack of ownership and little growth are some of the things that bothers me from time to time, if i give it time.

but at the same time, i look at what i have gained from this journey – the opportunity to work on different brands with different people, learning to adapt to different processes, time to breathe and live in-between gigs, being able to appreciate the chance to work and contribute – completely nulls the downsides. most importantly, i am happy. frustration doesn’t last longer than it should. i get over lack of leadership, indifference and inefficiencies a lot quicker.

the pity though is some who hire me haven’t quite figured out how best to utilize me and i myself haven’t quite figured out how best i should exploit me.

in a tiny corner of my head and perhaps even heart, i wonder what i want to do next when i am finally done with this type of work or even lifestyle. it has been three years with 6 months of it spent on full time administration. if there is a kid now, i wonder if it would make sense. but there is happy me and that makes sense to me, only.

a friend recently shared that he lives life by reasoning – what is the alternative? i walked away from the conversation wanting to apply that to my life and recently had the chance to do so – do i accept the extension of the current gig? what is the alternative to that – not work and use up the tiny stack of fifty dollars i have managed to save from the last gig.

that was easy wasn’t it?

but the question now really is, what is the alternative to these freelance gigs?

oh Maths …

The greatest distance exists between my mind and my heart.
– someone –

lesson from the rain.

I thought I could beat the rain if I picked up speed.

I had to take shelter for fifteen mins or so. There had to be a lesson in that waiting.

As I was contemplating if I should walk in the downpour that is slowly turning into a drizzle, I saw an elderly man starting to walk. Without a umbrella or some form of protection.

And I looked at my feet that wasn’t going to move till it was pretty sure it wouldn’t get wet. But I envied the man who was feeling the rain on his face, who didn’t care that his shoes were getting drenched in the puddles of water the rain had created everywhere. He wasn’t held captive by his environment. I smelled freedom.

Then I saw another; walking with newspapers over his head. Some form of protection he must have thought but I didn’t quite agree.

I looked at my feet and it was starting to tap; perhaps hoping that I will take the lead to move.

I felt the drizzle on my face. My feet wet with water. My heart smiled. I felt light. And I saw my destination less than thirty wet steps away.

There are some of us who will just do it. Because if you don’t, you are not going to learn or grow or move. It doesn’t matter if you get dirty and wet. The point is you do it. You move. You take the first step. Nothing is going to stop you; not even the rain.

Then there are some of us who like neither wet or dirt. We don’t like taking chances. We want clear and beautiful skies all day. We need to know we are going to be a-okay. We need to know that our next move is not going to land us in a puddle of water. But we are aching to move. A change we need.

Most of us are a bit of both. Our reaction depends on the situation. But we do know we need the rain to keep us in balance. Refreshing and maybe even necessary.

Either way, your destination is waiting.

last days.

so yesterday morning i woke up to an email from my little sister. it was a youtube link that she sent together with a note on how she cried her eyes out. intrigued to find out what could make the tough girl cry, i quickly hopped over to the link to find out that it was this

i watched the first 5mins in my pjs and was going to sob when the reality of a work day set in. but the first 20mins of my work day was spent watching the entire video and finishing a pack of tissue. i also ended up watching the other videos of the same theme when i got home.

predictably, i started feeling really miserable to know that lives of nice and normal people are ending way too abruptly. all thanks to the big C. i questioned myself on how i will deal with it if i were in their position. i wondered if the big and painful C is that real and big that it could break families, make many cry and end precious lives so easily.

if this week is my last, what would i do?

i would look for my grandma on my 1st day, my dad on the 2nd day, mum on the 3rd, my second sister on the 4th day, precious little sister on the 5th day, timmy on my sixth day and keep the very last day to myself. i havent got a clue what i will do with my loved ones but perhaps just lay my heads on their laps and look into their eyes. just to feel that love and remember them as they remember me when i am gone.

as these pathetic scenes went through my head last night, i could not help but feel really sad though i knew it will be the arms of jesus that i will be running into when i leave what i have known and become attached to all this while.

fragile. delicate. life is.

like zach said in his video, keep life simple.

it is not about how little or how much we have, it is what we do with it.

we won.

every now and then, ever so often, i think of 2012.

even though l have physically moved on, my heart doesn’t want to. it refuses. it wants to remember 2012. perhaps it wants to celebrate 2012.

2012 was a year where we thought we had it all planned out and that it will go according to our plans. but because we made decisions without enough thinking, there were consequences.

timmy left his job in april after much deliberation. he thought he will find something quickly after a month of rest or so. he thought wrong. his previous success in scoring jobs easily wasn’t going to repeat itself.

i thought work could be simple. arranging for others to travel for work, answering the phone, making sure that there was enough printing paper, coffee and toilet paper, ensuring the keys and the doors are labelled for convenience didnt make me happy. i thought i could live on lesser but having to dip into my little savings every month to make my own ends meet made it worse. it made me angry. very angry. actually, on my first day at work, last august, i knew it was game over. i could see the inevitable end. i tried my best though. but the more i tried, the harder i fell.

days passed. time flew. neither waited for us. december arrived. i was serving notice and timmy, still looking for a job. but we were both so glad the year was ending. we were excited about the new year. we desperately needed the new year to bring new possibilities, new opportunities. we needed the new year so bad. we were just so done with 2012 and couldn’t wait to move on. we didn’t know if 2013 is going to be any better but just the sound of a new year made our heart leap.

2013 has only just started to look the way we hoped it will for us. timmy has just started a 6 weeks assignment, exactly after a year of unemployment. sometime next month, he should be signing the contract for his full-time job. by july, he should be gainfully employed. i am back to the freelance gig; something that it is alot better for my sanity and purse.

it seems like it took us so long to get to where we were meant to be. what a waste of time it seems but it isn’t.

2012 was necessary for us. it was a year that tested our faith, the purpose for our lives and perhaps to an extent, our marriage. it was a year we grew just an inch taller. we learnt a little more about ourselves, each other and god.

jesus, if not for you, 2012 would have been painful. you wiped our tears, you soothed our pain, you walked in the wilderness with us and many a times, you carried us when we were heavy with doubts and disappointment. thank you for 2012. thank you for teaching and guiding us. thank you for humbling us. thank you for loving us. 2012 was an awesome journey because of you. we hope you see us just a little wiser; a little more patient; a little more adult-like.

but perhaps, just continue seeing us as two big kids needing you for the rest of the journey. we prefer to walk with our hands in yours. we have learnt that without you, we cannot.

Day 26.

I’m four days away from completing the 30-day plan!

So close.

10KG.

this is what 10kg, 6 years and Timmy did to me!

Though I’m in a much happier, peaceful and secured place, I really don’t mind giving away half of my 10KG!

Spring cleaning of my wardrobe today saw me throwing out alot of clothes! But I have stubbornly kept some impossible ones coz Timmy promised to date me soon so that I can wear them out before the next spring cleaning!

pre-timmy

with my favourite traffic and media colleague!

with chloe on my right and with agnes and poh on my left!

these were taken at my ex-agency’s D&D trip to Vietnam in 2007 and just got hold of them yesterday!

cant help but marvel at my slim and gorgeous face! what happened? timmy happened.

i am excited and feeling very blessed for the opportunity to go on the next company trip in a week’s time with the same agency. as a freelancer, there is no reason for me to enjoy such benefits but as a child of God, i am blessed.

i just need to remember all these blessings that come my way and not be like a spoilt child who seems to only care about one big lollipop. right from the start, i chose the way i want it to be and i am not going to change my mind or heart. i cant handle obsession.

oh and this morning while i was having my morning fix with jesus, as always, i thanked for his peace and joy which has been my mega-vitamin for a while now and the only one that works i must say with no harmful side-effects and suddenly a huge smile broke out inside of me. i told myself that i will call my daughter JOY! even before we got married, timmy and l chose Zoe for girl and Zachary for boy. now i need to think of the boy’s name. Isaac frequently visits me. I like the story on how he was conceived and especially the part where it says “And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.”

Joy and Isaac sounds so real to me now as i type this. i cant wait for the morning where i say “thank you jesus for the JOY who is in me!”

i dont understand how i went from talking about my awesome slim face to Joy and Isaac. i am not obsessed. maybe just slightly infatuated with the idea of having cute kids.

Day 13

i remember singing this song during worship on a sunday, 22 April. i fell in love with the melody and the words. i felt hope and peace and i knew i could trust Him. i prayed that when month end comes, i will celebrate His faithfulness and that i will have a song of praise.

but there was neither a reason for celebration nor a song of praise.

yesterday was day 13 of a 30-day plan. i didn’t realize i was lagging that far back. i should have known since there were many nights where all i did was to watch tv and fall asleep. after an emotional fellowship with timmy at lunch which saw me uttering things that scared us both, i picked up my book to find strength and answers and to be loved. then i realized i was only at day 13; not even at midpoint. i couldn’t help but smile.

i found my answers in day 12’s reflection:

things may not happen on my timetable. things may not happen the way i want them to. it hurts. it feels like i am lying to myself. it feels like i am believing and hoping for things that will never be. but i can’t seem to let go. how do you even begin to stop believing and trusting? believing and trusting Him has become part of who i am. to stop doing would be to stop being me.

timmy says it is okay to be frustrated and upset and to question. but this is not space i want to be in. i have come too far, i have experienced too many blessings to look away in frustration and disappointment.

a excerpt of an old sermon that i came across on sunday morning came to my mind yesterday and gave me strength. it encouraged me to continue fighting the fight of good faith. but as it says, it is a fight and at times, it may become difficult. and yesterday, it did for me.

the song performance during sunday service also came to my mind; to remind me to give thanks for all that i have. but i can’t help but look at what i don’t have.

it is a gorgeous song.

but this is my song:
my heart is overwhelmed and i cannot see
the future you have for me
neither can i hear your voice
i want to lift my arms but they are heavy

my eyes are clouded
my heart is heavy
my mind is cluttered

i look around for you
but i don’t see you
i look inside of me
and i can’t feel you

have you walked away from me?
have you given up on me?