Day 13

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i remember singing this song during worship on a sunday, 22 April. i fell in love with the melody and the words. i felt hope and peace and i knew i could trust Him. i prayed that when month end comes, i will celebrate His faithfulness and that i will have a song of praise.

but there was neither a reason for celebration nor a song of praise.

yesterday was day 13 of a 30-day plan. i didn’t realize i was lagging that far back. i should have known since there were many nights where all i did was to watch tv and fall asleep. after an emotional fellowship with timmy at lunch which saw me uttering things that scared us both, i picked up my book to find strength and answers and to be loved. then i realized i was only at day 13; not even at midpoint. i couldn’t help but smile.

i found my answers in day 12’s reflection:

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things may not happen on my timetable. things may not happen the way i want them to. it hurts. it feels like i am lying to myself. it feels like i am believing and hoping for things that will never be. but i can’t seem to let go. how do you even begin to stop believing and trusting? believing and trusting Him has become part of who i am. to stop doing would be to stop being me.

timmy says it is okay to be frustrated and upset and to question. but this is not space i want to be in. i have come too far, i have experienced too many blessings to look away in frustration and disappointment.

a excerpt of an old sermon that i came across on sunday morning came to my mind yesterday and gave me strength. it encouraged me to continue fighting the fight of good faith. but as it says, it is a fight and at times, it may become difficult. and yesterday, it did for me.

the song performance during sunday service also came to my mind; to remind me to give thanks for all that i have. but i can’t help but look at what i don’t have.

it is a gorgeous song.

but this is my song:
my heart is overwhelmed and i cannot see
the future you have for me
neither can i hear your voice
i want to lift my arms but they are heavy

my eyes are clouded
my heart is heavy
my mind is cluttered

i look around for you
but i don’t see you
i look inside of me
and i can’t feel you

have you walked away from me?
have you given up on me?

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