I dreamt a little dream; a little rainbow rising in the horizon. That was all. I couldn’t remember where I was, who I was with or what I was doing prior to the sighting of the rainbow.
I jumped out of bed, telling myself that I dreamt a rainbow. A rainbow I repeated to myself as I walked from my bed to the kitchen.
A long time ago, I stood by the window and watched the rain. I prayed to see a rainbow if l was pregnant. I didn’t want to be misled by the symptoms and be subjected to disappointment. The rainbow was kind enough, not to appear.
Since then, I have stood at the window plenty of times and seen the rain come and go but never affected.
I found a way to sabotage myself. To distract myself. To manage any disappointment. To protect my mind, heart and body. I have read enough to know that there are many women out there getting disappointed, every month. And I didn’t want to be them.
As unhealthy as it sounds for my marriage, it protected my heart and to a certain extent, my body, from a possible wreck.
And a willing partner, unconsciously, maybe, helped in my escape plan.
We didn’t have sex and there were a million valid reasons. And the fact that my marriage wasn’t falling apart due to a lack of bedroom activity kept me running.
But there were a couple of times in the last three years where I gathered enough courage to halt my plan and at least twice, I was convinced I would see that rainbow. But l wouldn’t and l will get miserable and throw myself a self-pity party. It was definitely easier than Xmas dinners.
As with all parties, it was boring and it wrecked me. Self condemning thoughts and ghosts of the past will haunt me. These alone were enough to distract me. I hate being miserable. I hate being a victim. And I hate more that the gun was in my hands.
So I have asked why didn’t I just get lucky at the first go? Why not when it has happened to so many others?
I am, now, glad it didn’t.
I’m blessed to have gone through this journey. A time of clearing. A time to learn and trust. The opportunity to let my desire grow and deepen.
Because now, I want kids for myself; for us. Perhaps, I have come to a place where l would do anything to have one. Not because it is the right thing to do or because someone else is doing so.
But just because, it is time.
I have been running away from something I imagined to be scary and perhaps futile for me. I kept running because I pictured stories of others to be mine. I kept running without giving it my best shot. I didn’t pause to give myself a fair chance. How unfair, I have been, to myself and to my body.
So I dreamt a little rainbow.
And I wish myself all the best. I have prayed enough but will continue to pray and HOPE will keep me running towards that little rainbow.