the title was the easiest to come up with. the content is ready because it has been put into motion. the struggle is whether to air it or shrug it. here I am waiting for the bus and getting reminded that this space exists as my diary.
yes a diary is meant to be a personal and private collection of moments till someone comes across it after you have passed along and gets a glimpse of the life you have lived or hoping to live. it will then maybe and hopefully inspire them to live just a little better.
if life and its learnings are not shared while we are alive, I think we missed life and it’s purpose.
the sky has gone from bright to darkness in these few minutes. and I can’t help but feel that it resembles the last few days of my beautiful life.
29 30 1 2 3. These are 5 days of my live that I want to remember. For 5 days, I had a role. A huge role in a beautiful journey that I believed I was on. I rejoiced at the perfect timing. A month to rest and enjoy the blessing. I thought of possible creative ways I would share the news with family and friends. For instance, I thought I will give my mum a pack of pads and tell her I’ll not need it for nine months!
So yes. For 5 days I thought I was pregnant. Every single time my tummy felt the typical period dullness, I prayed and trusted Jesus. A new verse that I found just weeks ago became my strength and hope – Fully satisfied and assured that God was able and mighty to keep His word and to do what He had promised (Romans 4:21 AMP). Because its boring to be the sole actor, I got Timmy to cameo. His excitement however could not measure up to my excitement and anxiousness. I looked, stroked and spoke to my stomach. Everytime I needed the taste of coffee, I battled with guilt. When I walked too fast or moved recklessly, I scolded myself. When I ate for myself, I reminded myself to care for the little one who will be eating what I ate.
But I did all of them anyway because I knew me alone, what I do or didn’t is unimportant. Only what He does matters and I knew my baby is in good hands.
Dramas don’t go on forever. They END. The minute my feet touched the carpeted floor in a Malacca hotel on Sunday morning, I knew the credits were going to roll.
My name flashed on the black screen. 100 pt size, big bold Ariel, RED.
My only audience, Jesus, was still around. He always turns up to watch me. Between me and Him was a huge sea of water. I didn’t know how I could cross that sea to get to Him. He just seemed so far away. And I didn’t have the energy to try. Will He instead come to me?
The last three days He has been comforting me in sermons, devotionals, psalms and proverbs.
My greatest enemy is my thoughts. There were a million thoughts why I wasn’t pregnant, why I didn’t deserve a baby. One thought which was like an annoying pimple was nobody gets pregnant by having sex ONE TIME!
I can’t help it if I feel and believe my god is mighty. It’s not about what we do or how we do or even when we do it. It’s all about Him and what He has already accomplished at Calvary.
He didn’t fail me. I just got too excited and hopeful when my period was late. I ignored all the PMS and chose to believe that I was pregnant. I let my thoughts run wild. A pregnant buddy got me excited and a longing to jump on the bandwagon hit me.
Today the sea between me and Him doesn’t exist.