two thousand eleven.


I’m not exactly sure why she bought me a diary as a Christmas present. In the world we are living in right now, not many will think about gifting a diary. I remember her saying as she handed Timmy and l our presents that much thought had gone into our gifts. When someone says that, you know for sure that the present somehow reflect you as a person or at least your lifestyle.

I must have opened it up with much anxiousness.

When I found out it was a diary, I didn’t know what to do with it. Keep it or bless someone else with it i.e. give my sister. But the pretty-ness of the book and that someone felt it had my name on it was hard to ignore. It went straight into my work bag without any specific purpose. Or at least I didn’t know it’s purpose.

The diary fast became my friend. I started using it daily to jot down bible verses, prayers and reflections. When I’m down or weary or even uninspired, I will whip it out and randomly turn to a page and something on that page will lift me up. That’s how mighty this diary has become.

There are another 6 more months of entries to be made and by dec, this present will become priceless.

It’s funny to have said 6 months ago that l didn’t know what to do with it. This diary made me eat my words.

So my dear Jac, thank you so much for blessing me with this diary! It will remain as my favorite gift!

Oh did l say 6 more months?! Saying time flies at this point is completely juvenile. At 32 years old, l am old enough to know TIME FLIES.

I entered into June nervous and with a slight hint of sadness. Based on our previous discussions, Timmy and l are to start making babies or at least a baby from June.

Two long weekends in the previous months saw us doing the deed twice, all in the name of ‘let’s see if we get lucky.’ And if l could trust my body and instincts, l thought we got lucky. Breathlessness, tiredness, craving for guava and sudden cramps all pointed to a baby. Did I ever mention how much I love google?

When my period didn’t come on its expected date (17/5) I thought of how l was going to tell my grandma that she was going to be a great-grandma! I imagined three of us in a picture and how lovely it will look on my wall that is waiting to be vandalized by my kid.

Even Timmy who didn’t believe my symptoms and instincts finally gave in when he scrutinized my stomach one day and said “BOBO having BEBE” when he saw some veins. I didn’t tell him that google didn’t say anything about veins = baby! Heh!

I am almost always on time. In the morning of 18/5, I was woken up by my period. I was a day late. As I sat on my toilet bowl that morning, l realized this baby thing may not be ABC after-all.

When l did my maiden pap smear last sept, I decided to get my ovaries and uterus checked at the same time. Though the doc didn’t ask or say anything alarming other than asking whether my periods come regularly and that I should start trying for baby, google explained my report – both ovaries while normal in size show multiple small follicles within them and this suggests a polycystic appearance of ovaries.

Is infertility something l will need to battle?

It doesn’t help that both Timmy and l are lazy when it comes to the bedroom. In our 21months of marriage, we have had sex about 10 times. We have both acknowledged that we are lazy and agreed that its okay not to have sex as we are not some horny teenagers. So what we do every night? We are on our iPhone or we cuddle to sleep!

I have been spying on motherhood forums regularly for the last 6 months and boy have I learnt a lot – when to have sex, what to do after etc etc. There are a lot of women who are serious about getting pregnant. And a number who loses it just 6 weeks later. Sometimes it gets depressing reading what these mum wannabes have to say and I ask myself from time to time if l am as ready and serious as they are.

Honestly, I don’t know. And a huge part of me doesn’t want to be this serious. Because that will mean keeping an eye on my body temperature and when I’m ovulating, avoiding some food and piling up on others. And most importantly, having sex on a regular basis! How are two lazy people going to do this?

While sitting on my toilet bowl on 18/5, I told myself that in HIS perfect timing, l will bear fruit. Just like Sarah, l too will have my very own Isaac. There is no one barren in the bible so I will not let my medical report dictate my future. If Daddy God gave up his one and only son for me, will He not give me my own?

I have taken the easy way out. I’m trusting my lord. I know it’s a lot easier to trust HIM than my ovaries and two lazy people.

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