when i saw this picture in today’s paper, i was sad. a trip to the pantry to put away my coffee mug turned into moments of guilt and sadness. within minutes, their entire lives have changed forever. what possibly could have been a mundane monday turned into a worst day of their life. their mum is gone forever without a goodbye. what was a ‘see you later’ has turned into a goodbye. besides dealing with the immense grief of losing their mum at such young age, they face the possibility of not being able to see her body and touch her one last time. i will never know how they will move on and how they will go about living their lives without their mum at their side. i can pretty much guess they will be forced to grow up almost immediately and learn how to be an adult while being a child. i can imagine how painful and miserable it will be for them.. at least for a while.. for a long while. i imagine it to be like losing a part of your body; like a leg or your sight or control of your body and then forced to learn to live life again without that organ or function. something tells me it is not the right comparison. same same but different.
in moments like this, i think about how blessed my life is and how i still have my pathi and my parents and almost all of my family members. everyone whom i know since the day i was born are around except for my paternal granddad and maternal grandma. and i have new family members now – my husband and his family. and as time goes, the family will grow and grow and you have more to worry and rejoice about. without fail, every year when i accept i am a year older, i also know that these folks of mine are a year older and my heart skips a beat. because at the back of my head, i know we are all a day closer to goodbye. it frustrates me sometimes and saddens me other times knowing that no one really appreciates or cares about life. we all just live life. we take each other for granted. we get mad. we use words that should not be in the human vocabulary. we bully. we fight. we argue. we gossip. we lie. we cheat. we compete. we kill. and we dont realise the impact of what we say and do until we come face to face with consequences and realise – OH SHIT. we just dont get it. only a few gets it. and a handful really really gets it. and not many actually do want to get it.
and i am one of those who wants to get it badly and seem to be on the path of getting it and think i am getting it and then realise OH SHIT. while i am darn good at recovering, i know the damage is done and it will be a memory forever for both of us. overtime, it will fade off until we dont have the memory space to file it anymore because other things have happened in bigger and more important scales.
so today, i am asking myself what do i need to do to really get it. to really live life. to stop being mean. to stop letting my emotions and thoughts control me. to be in control. to understand how precious life is, not just mine but also those around me. to live life with a purpose. to be committed to my purpose. to live each day to my best so that if tomorrow the building crashes on me, i know i have lived my life well. timmy and i once joked that because we live on 16th floor which is the highest floor in our flat, we will get to heaven first. sick couple we are.
on all our flights to and fro new york last month, which was 4 flights, there were periods of turbulence. in those shaky moments, i gripped timmy’s hands like never before and i used my feet to push against the seat in front to ‘balance’ myself. i also quickly switched on my iphone to listen to praise songs and sermons. all these helped to calm me down and before i knew it, the seat belt sign goes off. i remember telling myself on those flights that in life, we will experience pockets of turbulence but we need to know we will and we can ride out those bad weather. without those bad weather moments, we will never know how precious life is. how simple life should be. how we are meant to live with one another and not alone. how sweet music is. how powerful words are. how joy and peace feels. how great is our god.
i may be gone tomorrow. but what i do today is important. not just what i do for myself but also for others. i have to stop getting annoyed with my fellow train commuters who simply push their way in AND tell myself that i should be grateful that my country has good affordable efficient transportation system, that i have work to go to and i can depend on myself to get to work and not have someone push my wheelchair. tomorrow doesnt matter. it is today that is here and matters.
personally i dont like comparing myself to anyone to feel better. but sometimes it may take a moment like this to wake yourself up to see truly how green your pasture is. just dont make it a habit i think.
i pray and hope that the rescue teams find more alive than dead. that more help gets to christchurch now. that the families of the victims find the strength they need to move on. and that the teenagers were right in that their mum was on lunch break when the building crashed. and that more us truly gets it and more of us actually want to get it.
i remember christchurch being beautiful and quiet and clean and spacious. this is such an awful and sickening turbulence that they are experiencing and they will and must and can ride out this bad weather.
He who promised is faithful.